They said you needed money to get a girlfriend. Money, and the traditional 5Cs: Cash, Condo, Credit Cards, Career and Car.
Then they said you needed to be romantic. They said you needed to play the guitar and write her poetry.
And somewhere along the way, you saw things that made you agree. Maybe you got dumped by an ex for the guy who drove the BMW. Or maybe your pretty college classmate didn’t even reply your messages — the one who used to get flowers all the time.
Then they said the words that dooms guys to endless cycles of frustration: “Don’t give up on her; you’re doing the right things. You just need to try harder…”
– – –
I’ll be honest with you — they weren’t lying.
They were just being shallow.
But what if you have no money? What if you’re still a student who hasn’t started his career? Are you supposed to just watch porn in your room all day, instead of finding real love?
Let’s ignore the shallow talk and gold diggers for today. If you wanna be attractive to women — here are the things you really need instead. Tools that will last even when your wallet is empty, and your hands can’t play guitar strings the same way anymore.
These are the deeper tools to female attraction.
1. Ambition
Money is attractive. Anyone who tells you differently is lying, or doesn’t live in modern society.
Why? Because of the social status that comes with money. And the opportunities that come from being rich. Money can buy nice dinners, exotic vacations, and an international-college-education for your future kids.
But lest you think you’re gonna be forever alone if you’re not rich, there’s something that can take its place in female attraction:
Ambition.
By ambition I mean a guy who has goals in life, and is taking serious steps to achieve those goals. I don’t mean the guy who dreams about being the next great computer gamer, but plays Dota 2 every night mindlessly. I mean the Dota 2 player who’s as disciplined as a professional athlete when it comes to training.
So it’s okay if you’re a student, new, or struggling in your career. What matters more is that you want to achieve success, and are taking steps to get there — no matter what your definition of success is.
In his book Models, Mark Manson writes:
“Studies show that women are equally attracted to men that they believe have the potential to be extremely successful as they are to men who are already successful.”
Just remember that success means different things to different people. But if your definition of success aligns with hers — let’s say you’re both Warcraft fans — she’ll be attracted to you.
2. Healthy Self-Esteem
Item Number 2 pains me a lot.
It pains me because I see a lot of genuinely nice people (both guys and girls) get hurt in relationships due to a lack of self-esteem. I’ve felt it myself too.
What are some ways low self-esteem shows its ugly head in relationships? Here are some examples:
- The guy who allows himself to be used by girls he’s trying to date.
- The guy who keeps trying to impress his target, and ultimately turns her off.
- The guy who’s terribly unhappy in his relationship, but doesn’t dare to call out bad behavior, or call things off.
I’m oversimplifying — but the problems above start from a lack of self-esteem. Or rather, if a guy believed in his own self worth, he wouldn’t be so desperate to get validation from external sources. He wouldn’t let a girl treat him like shit just because he badly wants to be with her.
How do you build self-esteem?
Psychologists could probably write libraries of books on that, so I can’t give you a complete response here. This article has some tips. But what’s worked for me are mainly two things:
- Surrounding myself with good, positive people.
- Doing things that are meaningful to me, and becoming good at them.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re worthless. Don’t let anyone make you feel that you need a girlfriend before you’re cool. If you want to, that’s fine — but you need to learn to be happy on your own too.
When you respect yourself, girls respect you back.
3. Non-Neediness
Oliver Emberton once wrote:
“Neediness is repulsive because we’ve evolved to recognize it as a bad signal. “
It leads to all kinds of unattractive behavior. And if you’ve ever desperately chased a girl who wasn’t interested you’ll know what I mean:
- Repeatedly calling her and sending her messages, even though she hasn’t replied.
- Stalking her, and planning your life around her schedule.
- Trying to prove that you’re better than her guy friends.
One of my female friends once argued with me about this one: “Actually neediness is attractive. I really like how he always needs to see me…”
But my friend wasn’t really talking about neediness; she was talking about something different: desire. And women love to be desired.
Desire is Good; Neediness is Not
Showing a girl that you like her is good. Ignore advice that tells you to play games or send her mixed signals. That’s for amateurs. But the problem is when good actions (showing desire) come from bad motivation (neediness).
Here’s an example that shows the difference:
- Needy behavior: You have to meet her, otherwise you feel bad about yourself and can’t function properly.
- Non-needy behavior: You want to meet her, but if she’s unavailable it’s OK. It doesn’t make you feel like a loser.
Almost same behavior, but different motivation. And given enough time — totally different results. (A girl might not be able to tell a guy is needy at the start, but over time it will repulse her.)
- One comes from a position of abundance: I’m a happy, healthy person. Let’s be happy together!
- The other comes from a position of scarcity: I’m a loser without you. Let me suck your time and energy to make myself happy!
If you were a girl, who would you choose?
The cure to being needy is of course, having a healthy self-esteem (refer Point Number 2 above).
Because then you won’t behave like a love-crazed Twilight character.
The problem is, sometimes even healthy, functioning men become emotional babies when it comes to love. Sometimes we think the world is going to end, if we don’t get that one special girl.
But the truth is — the world won’t end. You’ll survive.
Always remember you can find someone else to love.
4. Manliness
Your extreme-feminist friends might disagree, but I’m going to say this anyway: manliness is attractive.
I’m not saying that all men need to behave like macho pigs or they’re pussies. I’m not even saying that the below traits are what makes a “real man.” Besides, there isn’t a universal definition of what manliness is.
But I’m writing for straight men who want to attract straight women. And this I know to be true: straight girls are attracted to a guy who has “traditional” manly qualities below:
- Courage
- Strength (Emotional, more than physical)
- Honor (e.g. Taking care of loved ones, being loyal to friends, doing work with integrity)
- Independence
- Sexuality (i.e. Being comfortable with sex, and going for what he wants; sexual assertiveness)
Ever wondered why girls are so attracted to (though not necessarily want to date or marry) “bad boys”?
Because the stereotypical bad boy is manly. He might not be the practical, long-term choice, because of the negative traits he comes with (e.g. recklessness and irresponsibility), but if we looked at just pure attraction — he’s got it going.
The good news is, you and I don’t need to pretend to be bad boys. It’s not being bad that’s attractive; it’s manliness. And we can develop our manly character traits, while still being the nice and responsible guys we are.
We’ll be the best of both worlds:
The practical, manly choice.
5. Kindness (& Generosity)
I left this one for last, because ultimately I don’t want you to just attract a lady — I also want you to have a happy relationship.
Getting a girlfriend is the simple part. Working through problems and making it last (or deciding when to break up) is the hard one.
Luckily science tells us how to make relationships last. And it comes down to two traits:
Kindness and generosity.
Who would think it’d be so obvious?
But not only does kindness help you have long-term happiness with your partner, research says kindness can also help still-single people become more attractive.
Think of it as your all-round winning strategy for life.
(Note: Although commonly confused for each other, kindness is not the same as weakness. That’s why it’s so important to have a healthy self-esteem — to balance things out.)
But I know some Nice Guys are already complaining: “I’m so kind and generous to her. How come she doesn’t like me?”
Because Point Number 3: If you’re being kind and generous to a girl just because you’re trying to “make” her fall for you — that’s needy behavior. You have an ulterior motive behind your actions.
Instead, save the grand gestures of love for when she’s already your partner. Show her affection not because you’re trying to impress her, but because you love her — with no expectations.
And if you’re going to be kind and generous — do it because you sincerely want to be a good person. Your mother would be proud of you.
– – –
Are attaining all the above difficult?
Hell yeah.
Way more difficult than making a lot of money. Although, if you developed all the traits above — you’d attract money and success too.
But hey, money and all the other “tools” aren’t so great, if your character isn’t up to par. Jho Low’s a billionaire and reportedly blew RM 5.5 million on an elaborate dinner, gifts, and fireworks to propose to Elva Hsiao; and she still rejected him. Worse, she “little-bro-zoned” him.
So don’t be the rich guy with the lousy values. Even if you were surrounded by hot girls all the time — is it really for the money or is it for you?
If you want women to love you for who you are, and not what you have; if you want to be a better man; and if you want to have real game — you have to build your character.
As someone wise once said:
“Don’t do things that you think girls will like. Be the kind of guy that girls like.”
Pics from Pexels, Flickr, Unsplash, Unsplash, and Unsplash.
