When I was much younger, I dreamed of having an ideal relationship – one where the two partners complemented each other perfectly. We would have the same interests, support the same greatest football club in the world (Liverpool) and appear on the cover of Time magazine as “couple of the year”. Above all, we would be be equals. Equal in how much we loved each other, equal in how we split running errands, and equal in decision making.
Thankfully I grew up pretty fast (after making some bone-headed mistakes in my early relationships) – and realized that this was never going to happen.
There are no equal relationships.
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The Bird and the Hand
I first read The bird and the hand theory from Thought Catalog about a year ago. The theory suggests that in every relationship, one partner is the “bird” – who needs more freedom and autonomy. The other is the “hand”, who is the nurturing one. A relationship works when the hand doesn’t grip the bird (no gutter thoughts please) too hard, and the bird knows when to fly back to the hand.
Interesting way of putting it, and very true in the sense that: One partner will always desire the other partner more.
There is no 50 – 50 relationship.
So, if you sometimes struggle with wondering why your partner doesn’t desire you more, here’s the probable answer: he/she doesn’t love you as much as you do him.
If your partner loves you enough though, you guys can still make the relationship work. Just learn to accept it and adapt to it. Because things aren’t ever going to change much. It’s just a matter of getting used to. And making sure that even though you desire him/her more – don’t ever let him/her take you for granted, take advantage of you or abuse you.
The scales will always be tipped, but don’t let it tip very much.
It’s also the reason why your momma always asked you to find a partner who loves you more than you love him/her.
Men and Women Are NOT Equal
This may sound like heresy to you, so if you’re a feminist – please read carefully and feel free to comment below.
The influential blogger Matt Walsh writes a brilliant post here on why Men and Women aren’t equal. I’ll quote him here:
“Men and women are NOT equal, at least not in the practical sense of the word. Yes, men and women are “equal” in intrinsic worth; they have immortal souls and are endowed by God with a dignity and value that can not be diminished or reduced. This is the only sort of “equality” that can ever exist between people, or between genders…”
For everything else though – we are not equals. Not only are we physically different, our brains are wired differently and the hormones flowing through our veins make us very different emotionally.
Women and men are not equal. That’s why we need to treat each other with special kindness and consideration for each others’ needs. That’s why men need to learn to respect women. And that’s why I’m giving up my seat to the pregnant lady in the train.
Gender Roles in a Relationship
You’ll never have an equal relationship because a man needs to be the leader of the relationship.
Nothing pains me more than seeing women who are forced to take on the leadership role in a relationship. Whether by choice, or necessity – to see the men shrink back from the position of authority and responsibility, and let the woman act as the head.
But why not? Women today live longer, are more well educated, and generally make less reckless decisions right? It’s been said that the global financial crisis would have never happened if women were in charge at Wall Street.
Well it all comes down to attraction and desire. I believe every woman desires a man who is dominant, takes charge and leads her. This isn’t to say that a woman’s role in a relationship is any less important. It’s just as important, but everyone is more satisfied when men and women are in their proper roles.
The dream husband is one who equally shares the chores at home right? How nice would it be to have a husband who does laundry, cooking and cleans the house. You’d think that women would totally be hot for this kind of husband.
Wrong. A study showed that when men get involved in traditionally feminine chores, couples had less sex compared to those who had husbands doing masculine chores (like fixing pipes and cars).
What this reinforces (aside from the most scientifically valid excuse ever for me to avoid housework) is that the more we assume our gender roles, the hotter and happier our relationships become.
Find me a woman who has to wear the pants in the family, yet is satisfied with her romantic and sex life. I’d like to interview her. And while you’re at it, get me a unicorn too.
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You’ll never have an equal relationship.
But we need each other. So let’s accept it and find ways to make our relationships work.
*The original version of this article first appeared on Emmagem