Be careful when comparing yourself with others. That’s the “#1 tip” I give to younger folks who ask me for advice.
It’s difficult to follow. Nuanced — you don’t want to be so competitive it robs you of happiness and the beautiful things in this world that have nothing to do with competition. Intrinsic motivation >> extrinsic motivation. On the other hand, the competitor in me doesn’t believe in the other extreme, where you’re oblivious to anything outside your own head. I don’t believe you should be stagnant or stale. Looking at others can help your own growth.
How to compare well? I can’t claim to have 100% figured out the balance, but have some thoughts1.
Is this — as the young people call it — an article about cope? It is. Cope is useful. Without a healthy dose of cope, even people at the highest levels of wealth and success can feel empty.
If you don’t believe me, consider this tweet:
There can only be one “richest Larry”, hence either Ellison or Page needs to cope with not being #1. If we’re being extreme, everyone apart from Elon — you and me included — has to learn how to cope.
For the purpose of this article, it’ll be how to cope with your position in the wealth ladder.
To illustrate my points, I’ve compiled two lists: One is things that make you feel poorer — things that make it hard to cope. The other is things that make you feel rich.
Things That Make You Feel Poorer
Prioritizing Feelings Over Statistics
One of the common responses I got on my “Levels of Wealth” article was disbelief. “You say I’m in the Top 20%, but I don’t feel it.”
A few reasons:
- Statistics on wealth are commonly stated for an entire country. But a person’s experiences are shaped by the neighborhood they live in and the people they interact with. People generally hang out with people from similar socio-economic backgrounds. And because of the nature probability, it’s unlikely you’re the richest in your circle.
In other words, Top-20-percenters hang out with other Top-20-percenters; but everyone feels poor because they compare themselves to the outlier in their group who’s in the Top 10%.
- Past experiences affect expectations today. For example, I grew up understanding “middle-class” as owning a home in a good neighborhood, having imported cars, and regularly eating at restaurants. But due to how things played out over the last 30 years (in Malaysia, where I live), that expectation of “middle class” more aptly describes the Top 30% today. Statistically, it’s not in the middle.
When my expectations don’t match the economic realities of today, I feel poor. When my standard of living feels lower today than it was growing up, I feel poor.
Comparing (Only) Upward
It’s good to sneak a peek at wealthier people and get inspired. It’s unproductive when too much leads to negative feelings like jealousy and resentment.
Social media exacerbates this. The Internet ignores traditional boundaries like geography and time. Your parents might have stared at the house down the road with a perfectly manicured garden, wondering how nice the china was inside. You — on the other hand — get to see HD videos inside David & Victoria Beckham’s mansion.
Even a rich person can get jealous when they’re bombarded with videos of a centi-millionaire’s life.
“I Need <insert goal here> To Be Happy” Thinking
Understandably, everyone needs the basics — food, safety, family and friends. It’s difficult to be happy if you’re starving.
On the other hand, many of the goals we set for ourselves fall deep into the “wants” category. For example: “A million-dollar net worth by 35.”
You don’t need that to be happy. You can choose to be happy in your current situation, while still working on those ambitious goals. You can choose to detach your happiness from the outcome of your efforts.
Again, if you don’t believe me, consider the last time you achieved a financial goal. If you’re like most people, you were happy2 for a bit. But eventually — in perhaps as short as 1-3 months — you got used to it. Then you started thinking: “What’s next?”
Complaining
“When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.”
– Eckhart Tolle –
Things That Make You Feel Richer
Leaning Out of Your Socio-Economic Circle
Some ideas:
Attending religious gatherings according to your faith — where you interact with people from different walks of life.
Traveling to countries with lower costs of living. Traveling to places where consumerism isn’t as strong.
Volunteer work to help the underprivileged. Giving. Bonus effect: Statistically speaking, giving to charity can boost happiness about as much as doubling one’s income.
Understanding the Pros and Cons of Stories
Stories get more interesting the further away they are from the norm. The most entertaining stories are also the most unlikely.
In other words, the story of your friend’s friend at Goldman getting paid millions last year is cool. (Let’s ignore the fact that many stories get exaggerated as they’re shared.) It’s also an outlier — reaching his level of earnings is impossible for the vast majority of people.
Stories are good to inspire, but they should be moderated by understanding broader statistics.
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
– Steven Furtick –
Comparing Downwards; Comparing to the Past
It’s natural to compare yourself with the people around you. Your peers. And it’s aspirational to compare upward — to where you want to be.
But there are other, better people to compare to.
Compare yourself with people who have less than you. I know, this sounds classist. But Mom and Dad were on to something when they said, “Think about the hungry kids in Africa.”
I’m not asking you to think, “I’m richer than you. I’m better than you.” I’m asking you to think, “Today, I have more than you. I have much to be grateful for.” Compare out of gratitude, not pride.
For a reality check, I’ve always loved World Inequality Database’s tool that estimates your position (calculated via income or wealth) in your country and the world.
Maybe you’re not in the Top 1% and that bugs you. But don’t forget you’re still ahead of most people. And if we stretch our thinking over longer periods of time, you have a better standard of living than ancient kings.
On that note, you should also compare yourself to your younger self. Look at how far you’ve come. Not just status, but progress.
Would your 10-year-old self be proud of who you’ve become today?
Creating Things
Distract yourself from being a consumer, by being a creator.
This could be something simple like rekindling your love of baking or starting a blog. Or something more advanced like vibe coding apps on the weekend.
Not really a “useful way to compare,” but more of a cheat code to forget about comparison in the first place.
Creating, building — craftsmanship of some sort — takes away energy that might be used for negative comparison, and channels it into something more positive.
Learning To Enjoy the Process, Instead of Focusing on Outcomes
Sounds cliché, so let me explain. How do you enjoy the process of growing wealth, when you haven’t yet achieved X amount of wealth (outcome)? How to feel richer, even if you aren’t rich?
For most of us, this is directly correlated to how much you enjoy your day job.
This doesn’t mean you need to love 100% of everything you do. That’s unrealistic. Jeff Bezos says, “If you can get your work-life to be where you enjoy half of it, that is amazing.” The more you enjoy your work, the more blessed you are. Make career choices that move you in that direction.
Also remember that different people are gifted — whether by nature or nurture — at different types of work. I love basketball, but at 5’10” and 41 years old — will never make it to the NBA.
Choose work that you enjoy, but also choose work that suits your unique strengths.
Financially and otherwise, your life will be richer for it.
– – –
Footnotes:
1. While the learnings above have greatly helped me, I’m aware many young people all over the world feel angry and helpless. Financial nihilism. I think the “cure” for this goes beyond the scope of this article — perhaps it’s more a structural economic issue. Whereas here I’m focused on personal thoughts you can control.
2. Yes, higher income does correlate with higher happiness. However, much more of happiness comes from health, relationships, purpose and gratitude. All of which are available above a certain “baseline” level of income.
Pic from Pexels: Marefee
I am financially secure.
That said, you never feel 100% secure. Why? This is due to all the struggles to get to where I am today. You become very well aware of all the risks in the world.
Money only helps you have a comfortable life. Risk is everywhere and does not negate that bad things can happen to you.
Finding the balance is my next gig or act.
Thanks for the article, it is timely as I was thinking about the risks I am exposed to in my own financial journey.
Thanks for dropping by Mike,
For me risk always feels like it can be a never-ending slippery slope. Okay 6 months emergency expenses done, but what if I have a health crisis? Okay 2 years salary saved, but what if war breaks out? And on and on…
So tough to find balance. I’ve come to the point where I only TRY to think about what I can humanly achieve, and then leave the rest to God and try to have faith.